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The Hyperliteral Film Critic: 2017 Edition

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The Hyperliteral Film Critic: 2017 Edition

Postby Neel Mehta » Sun Dec 17, 2017 6:22 pm

Get the hang of it by visiting the 2015 and 2016 threads.

Imagine a film critic who is burdened by his hyperliteral nature. He creates expectations based on the title of a movie, and is always disappointed when the movie is about something else. Below I have provided excerpts of some reviews he wrote for movies released in United States theaters in 2017.

Can you identify each movie?

1. "Once I was in a pro shop at a really swanky country club, and I saw a set of real golf clubs meant for toddlers! So I imagined this movie would be about little rich kids in Augusta, Georgia trying to find the perfect golf club for hitting the ball off the tee. Instead it was about adult criminals in Atlanta, Georgia trying to make the perfect getaway."

2. "Maybe I was just in the mood for dessert, but I wanted bananas with ice cream and toppings, not some guy who goes bananas and kidnaps women."

3. "After seeing his painful origin and backstory in so many X-Men movies, I wanted to see Wolverine have some fun winning in Las Vegas. But while this film was about big money and fast living, it was superhero-free."

4. "So... we aren't following a fair-haired scientist working against German opposition in the 1940s, but a fair-haired spy working against German opposition in the 1980s."

5. "Ugh, enough about scary clowns. Tell me a story about the basement office geeks whom I have to visit whenever my laptop computer has a problem. Those guys creep me out!"

6. "I'm very skeptical when someone tries to mash two unrelated franchises into one movie. Why would Kevin Costner's former Secret Service agent even want to protect Timothy Olyphant's gun-for-hire? Fortunately, this movie was not about that. It still sucked, but for all the regular reasons."

7. "I thought they were finally making Seinfeld movies, and the first one is going to center around Elaine's catchphrase. But while there was some comedy talent behind the camera, what I saw was way scarier than getting pushed around by Julia Louis-Dreyfus."

8. "How do painters go from pink to burgundy, or chartreuse to hunter, or even beige to chocolate? Can that distance of color be measured? Do they use the Pantone scale, or RGB values? This overheated sequel answered none of my questions."

9. "At first I was hoping for a double biography of two fast automobiles and their young drivers: Austin Dillon carrying on the Earnhardt legacy in NASCAR, and Daniel Ricciardo tearing up Formula One. Then I remembered that this was a cartoon sequel about an older racer, and that I had conveniently removed the two previous installments from my mind."

10. “Hollywood already made a movie about Charlie Wilson. So I pictured a gritty drama about another hard-drinking Texan in the 1980s, only this one is denied a Secretary of Defense position by his former colleagues in the Senate. Instead I got a genre-bending tale where defense takes the form of gunslinging.”

11. "I expected a straightforward story about Mr. and Mrs. Gurwitch having a child, not some nonsense about a creepy doll."

12. "I expected a straightforward story about Mr. and Mrs. Springsteen having a child, not some nonsense about an animated junior executive."

13. “This ended up being a nice independent film about a young California woman, but I thought this was going to be about a First Lady! It was released the same day as a different film about her husband! And how is this not a sequel to Jackie, which came out one year ago? Gah! My brain hurts!”
Neel Mehta
 
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Location: New Orleans, LA

Re: The Hyperliteral Film Critic: 2017 Edition

Postby Bill » Fri Dec 22, 2017 7:54 am

Answers:

Spoiler: show
1. Baby Driver
2. Split
3. Logan Lucky
4. Atomic Blonde
5. It (FTW)
6. The Hitman’s Bodyguard
7. Get Out
8. Fifty Shades Darker
9. Cars 3
10. The Dark Tower
11. Annabelle: Creation
12. The Boss Baby
13. Lady Bird



14. Who doesn't like a nice cup of hot chocolate? And who wouldn't go see a movie about it? But don't expect to see any in this animated musical, set in Mexico.

15. I almost didn't see this movie because I think it's sexist to assume that young men don't fall over just as often as young women. But the movie actually had nothing to do with getting your foot caught on the carpet and instead was about a reunion of old friends.

16. I had gone in hoping to learn more about ice sculpture. If that's your interest as well, steer clear of this creepy horror film.

17. With so many people being laid off in our economy, I thought it was about time we had a good documentary about it. But this was just a silly movie about shrinking people that I could have done without.

18. I was hoping this movie would be the greatest thing since sliced bread! But it had nothing to do with sliced bread, only a child with a facial deformity trying to acclimate in a boarding school.

19. Again, I wanted to see a movie about processed white bread, and this time hoped to learn about the special lady behind the idea. But, no, it was another superhero movie.

20. Anyone would think this film would be about how the aging Strategic Defense Initiative interfered with the Juno spacecraft's instruments used to study planetary magnetosphere, causing all but one of them to malfunction. Anyone!
Bill
 
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Location: New York City

Re: The Hyperliteral Film Critic: 2017 Edition

Postby Neel Mehta » Fri Dec 22, 2017 8:30 pm

Bill is correct on all counts.

Bill wrote:18. I was hoping this movie would be the greatest thing since sliced bread! But it had nothing to do with sliced bread, only a child with a facial deformity trying to acclimate in a boarding school.

19. Again, I wanted to see a movie about processed white bread, and this time hoped to learn about the special lady behind the idea. But, no, it was another superhero movie.


Strong approach. There were several white-bread entries this year.

21. "Strike three on getting a film about processed white bread, and maybe the simple machine that I assumed would speed its circulation. Instead I got a new entry from an old problematic director revisiting his New York roots, this time in Coney Island. At least it depicted some 1950s white bread culture."

22. "Fourth time's the charm, right? Not exactly. Much like the processed white bread, this film opens in the 1920s, continues decades later, and hits you like a bolt of lightning."

23. "I was denied a processed white bread movie for the fifth and final time, and the possibility of its invention in the 1920s by the university academic, his wife, and his female teaching assistant. While what they made was not sliced bread, feminists and comic book fans agree that the character this threesome created is pretty great."
Neel Mehta
 
Posts: 1216
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:45 pm
Location: New Orleans, LA

Re: The Hyperliteral Film Critic: 2017 Edition

Postby Neel Mehta » Sat Dec 30, 2017 6:10 pm

Clearing out the inventory for the new year.

1. "Once I was in a pro shop at a really swanky country club, and I saw a set of real golf clubs meant for toddlers! So I imagined this movie would be about little rich kids in Augusta, Georgia trying to find the perfect golf club for hitting the ball off the tee. Instead it was about adult criminals in Atlanta, Georgia trying to make the perfect getaway."


Spoiler: show
Baby Driver


2. "Maybe I was just in the mood for dessert, but I wanted bananas with ice cream and toppings, not some guy who goes bananas and kidnaps women."


Spoiler: show
Split


3. "After seeing his painful origin and backstory in so many X-Men movies, I wanted to see Wolverine have some fun winning in Las Vegas. But while this film was about big money and fast living, it was superhero-free."


Spoiler: show
Logan Lucky


4. "So... we aren't following a fair-haired scientist working against German opposition in the 1940s, but a fair-haired spy working against German opposition in the 1980s."


Spoiler: show
Atomic Blonde


5. "Ugh, enough about scary clowns. Tell me a story about the basement office geeks whom I have to visit whenever my laptop computer has a problem. Those guys creep me out!"


Spoiler: show
IT


6. "I'm very skeptical when someone tries to mash two unrelated franchises into one movie. Why would Kevin Costner's former Secret Service agent even want to protect Timothy Olyphant's gun-for-hire? Fortunately, this movie was not about that. It still sucked, but for all the regular reasons."


Spoiler: show
The Hitman's Bodyguard


7. "I thought they were finally making Seinfeld movies, and the first one is going to center around Elaine's catchphrase. But while there was some comedy talent behind the camera, what I saw was way scarier than getting pushed around by Julia Louis-Dreyfus."


Spoiler: show
Get Out


8. "How do painters go from pink to burgundy, or chartreuse to hunter, or even beige to chocolate? Can that distance of color be measured? Do they use the Pantone scale, or RGB values? This overheated sequel answered none of my questions."


Spoiler: show
Fifty Shades Darker


9. "At first I was hoping for a double biography of two fast automobiles and their young drivers: Austin Dillon carrying on the Earnhardt legacy in NASCAR, and Daniel Ricciardo tearing up Formula One. Then I remembered that this was a cartoon sequel about an older racer, and that I had conveniently removed the two previous installments from my mind."


Spoiler: show
Cars 3


10. “Hollywood already made a movie about Charlie Wilson. So I pictured a gritty drama about another hard-drinking Texan in the 1980s, only this one is denied a Secretary of Defense position by his former colleagues in the Senate. Instead I got a genre-bending tale where defense takes the form of gunslinging.”


Spoiler: show
The Dark Tower


11. "I expected a straightforward story about Mr. and Mrs. Gurwitch having a child, not some nonsense about a creepy doll."


Spoiler: show
Annabelle: Creation


12. "I expected a straightforward story about Mr. and Mrs. Springsteen having a child, not some nonsense about an animated junior executive."


Spoiler: show
The Boss Baby


13. “This ended up being a nice independent film about a young California woman, but I thought this was going to be about a First Lady! It was released the same day as a different film about her husband! And how is this not a sequel to Jackie, which came out one year ago? Gah! My brain hurts!”


Spoiler: show
Lady Bird


14. Who doesn't like a nice cup of hot chocolate? And who wouldn't go see a movie about it? But don't expect to see any in this animated musical, set in Mexico.


Spoiler: show
Coco


15. I almost didn't see this movie because I think it's sexist to assume that young men don't fall over just as often as young women. But the movie actually had nothing to do with getting your foot caught on the carpet and instead was about a reunion of old friends.


Spoiler: show
Girls Trip


16. I had gone in hoping to learn more about ice sculpture. If that's your interest as well, steer clear of this creepy horror film.


Spoiler: show
The Snowman


17. With so many people being laid off in our economy, I thought it was about time we had a good documentary about it. But this was just a silly movie about shrinking people that I could have done without.


Spoiler: show
Downsizing


18. I was hoping this movie would be the greatest thing since sliced bread! But it had nothing to do with sliced bread, only a child with a facial deformity trying to acclimate in a boarding school.


Spoiler: show
Wonder


19. Again, I wanted to see a movie about processed white bread, and this time hoped to learn about the special lady behind the idea. But, no, it was another superhero movie.


Spoiler: show
Wonder Woman


20. Anyone would think this film would be about how the aging Strategic Defense Initiative interfered with the Juno spacecraft's instruments used to study planetary magnetosphere, causing all but one of them to malfunction. Anyone!


Spoiler: show
Star Wars: The Last Jedi


21. "Strike three on getting a film about processed white bread, and maybe the simple machine that I assumed would speed its circulation. Instead I got a new entry from an old problematic director revisiting his New York roots, this time in Coney Island. At least it depicted some 1950s white bread culture."


Spoiler: show
Wonder Wheel


22. "Fourth time's the charm, right? Not exactly. Much like the processed white bread, this film opens in the 1920s, continues decades later, and hits you like a bolt of lightning."


Spoiler: show
Wonderstruck


23. "I was denied a processed white bread movie for the fifth and final time, and the possibility of its invention in the 1920s by the university academic, his wife, and his female teaching assistant. While what they made was not sliced bread, feminists and comic book fans agree that the character this threesome created is pretty great."


Spoiler: show
Professor Marston and the Wonder Women
Neel Mehta
 
Posts: 1216
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:45 pm
Location: New Orleans, LA


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